So-called friends and why you don't need them

One of the things which I have barely seen discussed as much as romantic relationships are friendships.

We spend a lot of our time chasing after the dream of finding our own Price Charming (or for the more mature ladies amongst us, the Perfect Man), and yet we often forget about the other important relationships in our lives, which often tend to last longer than our dating partners.

Over the past few years I have struggled with many different types of friendships and come across people who I called my best friends, but who just wanted to see me cry and drown in my own pity. I have also come across those people who trusted me with everything, until one day they simply got bored and walked away.

This post is about those "so-called" friends who don't really have our best interests at heart, and why we need to move away from such friendships.

Friends are the family we choose.

This is a popular quote that is often thrown around when we get emotional about our friendships and realise that sometimes we can relate more to our friends (and vice versa) than our families.

But if we choose who we give entry to into our lives, isn't it also our responsibility to choose who stays and who leaves?

My best friend a few years ago was someone I didn't even like much. We got along at times, but while I tip-toed around making sure that I didn't upset her - as she had a tendency to go off in a strop and would just stop talking to me - she simply did what she liked.

I was good friends with her for 7 years, during which my self-esteem hit the absolute bottom because she would tell me how I'm not pretty, and how I would never be successful etc. She would exclude me from parties, meet ups and even conversations and I never felt wanted unless I was playing the role of the maidservant.

We looked similar and everyone noticed it. But she would make a joke out of it and insist that it was an insult for someone to say that she looked like me.

It hurt and I just smiled.

Then, a few years ago, I started realising that even though I claimed that she was my best friend, I never actually liked her.

I didn't trust her and I wasn't myself around her.

That was the wake-up call. I didn't break our friendship (or so-called friendship anyway) but I simply started making other friends. As I got to know more people, I realised that there were many others who I had never spoken to but who I could be more genuine with.

There are 7 billion people on this planet. We are never going to be able to meet all of them. But if we stay 'stuck' in one friendship, we may never have the opportunity to actually meet someone who we could be real friends with. Move on and meet new people whenever you have the chance to - the next person you meet could be the one you 'click' with.

When I was going through my break-up, my ex-best friend didn't even bother calling me to ask if I was okay in the 4 months after I told her what had happened. But it didn't matter because I had found my real best friend, who was there for me on the countless days when I just wanted someone to hug me and give me a shoulder to cry on.

The signs that I noticed which proved that my ex-best friend wasn't a true friend were:

• I was always the one making the initiative to meet up with her/contact her 
• She never kept her promises to call me
• She didn't understand that I was going through a tough time and I needed someone there for me
• Whenever we talked it was always about her - how she was doing, what had happened with her boyfriend/family/friends etc
• I had to think twice before I said/did something in front of her
• I felt like I had to neglect my own feelings to make sure hers were fulfilled

What you need from in a friend is the ability to be who you are unashamedly. If you feel yourself pretending just to keep the world turning how they expect it to, get out. The relationship is not helping you in any way.

While friendships are about give and take, you should only take which mirrors what you give. It takes two people, just like in a romantic relationship, to cultivate a friendship and if they are not giving you what you need, you need to break free.

This leads me onto friendships which, while you have changed and developed, haven't grown with you.

Don't hold onto relationships which are past their expiry date simply because the substance tasted amazing in the past. 

This means that you have to realise that you simply outgrow some friendships and it is time to let go of those friends who you may have known for the past decade, but who no longer have a 'fit' into your life. These are friends who you shared your first ice-cream or Barbie doll with, but who have taken a different route to you.

Holding onto friendships in desperation is the same as holding onto a failed relationship - the energy you are using up in just sustaining this is harming you.

You need to accept that people do change and sometimes the changes mean that you cannot be compatible any more. The bff or friends-till-we-die scenario is out of the window.

It is time to realise that YOU need to be your own best friend. That way you are best friends with someone who trust completely, who understands you perfectly and who believes in you. If this doesn't apply to you then you have found your flaw. I have struggled over my life to trust myself and to realise that if I don't believe in myself, no-one else can.

I am now working on trusting myself more. This means being accepting of my mistakes and agreeing with my decisions. I have learnt how to forgive myself for the past and am learning how to be more hopeful of the future.

The essential relationship values (part 1)

In this series of posts, I will look into the different values that are important for a relationship to have. In my time with different men I have realised that without these the relationship lacks the basic solidity to flourish. 

Note, that I say essential and not desirable. Desirable values often vary from person to person. While it may be desirable for some ladies that the man is at least 6ft tall, it is not (gasp!) an essential value without which the relationship will not survive.

So, the first most important relationship value is trust.

I started off with this because this is the most important value in any relationship: romantic or otherwise. 

In my first relationship, I didn't even consider trust to be valuable. I believed that trust would grow with the relationship and eventually I'll be willing to trust the guy completely.

But that is not how it works. Trust is the basis that the entire future of the relationship is built on and so it is important that it exists before we decide to take the leap into a relationship. You build trust during the dating or friendship phase with your prospective boyfriend or girlfriend.

• Were they trustworthy when you were friends with them? 
• Did you trust them to make sure you got back safely on the first few dates?

If the trust isn't there in the beginning, it is extremely difficult to build it up later on. If you decide to draw a line as to when you will be willing to trust the person, it is hard to know where that line is. Do you trust them if once you sleep with them? Once they propose? Whatever your limit, if you start off with a preconceived idea of trusting them in the future rather than now, it will be hard to convince yourself when the time will be right.

I found that when I wasn't willing to trust him, he felt it. It was often the case of trying to predict whether or not we were compatible before I would trust him and it was a sure sign of trouble.

Eventually the relationship broke down because neither of us trusted the other. I didn't trust him because he proved himself to be untrustworthy when I realised he had cheated on me. And his own insecurities meant that he never felt 'good enough' for me, which led him to cheat in the first place.

If he knew I trusted him, perhaps he would have been more willing to not betray my trust, but that's a different post all together.

Another important aspect of trust is that it is extremely delicate.

After finding out my boyfriend was cheating, I decided to give him another chance to prove that he loved me. But even when he broke contact (or so he said) with the other girls, I couldn't stop the uneasiness creeping in every single time he was away for the night or at a party.

It is vital that trust is not broken because it can never be the same as it was.

Once we suspect someone, the uneasy feeling remains in our consciousness. We can forgive someone, but it is extremely hard to forget what happened.

For a relationship to succeed trust needs to be valued and consistent. It is (almost) impossible for people to come back from a place of being hurt and deceived and be as open hearted as they were before.

It is also important to base trust on the reality of the relationship. By no means am I suggesting that you blindfold yourself and trust everything the person does, no matter how long you have been friends or you have dated that person for.

Trust should be based on the person's actions, not their words. When you have decided to invest your trust, the actions of the other person should be based on a healthy level of respect for your decision to trust them. In my relationship I often trusted my boyfriend with my secret dreams and fears, yet I often found that he didn't cater to these. My decision to trust him with such information should have led to him being considerate of those particular ideas. If you don't see a resulting effect from your decision to offer your trust, you need to question why.

Trust is an ability which only healthy individuals possess. 

If you're finding it difficult you trust, it may mean that you're not ready for a relationship. I know that I was overly cautious when I first started dating after the break-up. Every time a date referred to another 'pretty girl' I would start questioning his motives. If this is you then STOP. Take the time to regain the ability to trust before you decide to pursue a relationship.

Click here for part 2.