Obsessing about the ex (i.e. damaging your mental health)

Would you like to beat your brain with a iron hammer every other second?

No, you're not reading the local Maniacs-R-Us news, but it is exactly what you are doing when you keep obsessing about your ex.

I am guilty too. I have spent hours fantasising about what he's doing and who he's doing it with. I have stalked his Facebook within an inch of my life and found every possible way of tricking my friends to reveal more about him after specifically demanding that I did not want to hear his name.

It was the edge that meant I was struggling to move on from a year long relationship, a year after we broke up. It meant that I was stuck in a rut between a rock and a hard place and it was all because of me.

I asked myself many questions which all ran along the lines of:

1. What is he doing now?
2. Who is he doing it with?
3. Does he still miss me?
4. Does he think about me nearly as much as I think about him?
5. Does he want me back?
6. Has he changed?
7. Will he take me back? Will he contact me?

I spent many a fine summers day pondering the meaning of love and what it had meant in our relationship - nothing. I wondered, cried, screamed, drank and became depressed. 

I was eager to know about what he was doing, but every time I found out what it was, it hurt. It hurt to know that he was now searching for his soulmate in another girl. It hurt that he had moved on so quickly. 

But more than anything, it hurt that I had just stalled my recovery by finding out more news about him.

If you have spent many hours and months wondering why you aren't feeling any better, it is because even if you have physically detached yourself from the relationship, you are still emotionally invested, and prisoner to, the ex-dumdum.

The more time you spent unpicking the old scabs of "what went wrongs" the longer they will take to heal.

I noticed that every time I stopped myself focusing on him, the better I felt. I was free to think other influential thoughts which were all about being good to me. I dreamt about the perfect job and all the activities I wanted to try. I focused on what I wanted to do rather than what he was doing.

It is important for us to realise that those who choose to walk away from us are essentially giving up on us. They have made the decision that they are better off without us in their life and it is a decision made with full consciousness, so why must we chase?

If you have found it difficult to maintain No Contact and are obsessing about what your ex-dumdum is doing in every moment they are NOT contacting you, it means you are letting someone else be the hero in your story.

It prolongs the hurt.

You have to mentally remind yourself each time an unwelcome question about he-who-must-not-be-named sneaks into your head. Focus your energy away. Close your eyes and breathe. Then force yourself to think something else.

Eventually, your brain gets the message that it is a forbidden topic, and it remembers to forget. 

It worked for me and I started noticing that I spent less time each day focusing on the past and more on living for the future. I cared less and wasted less time.

However, this is not the perfect formula. It is something that depends on the situation and the physical proximity to the ex-dumdum as well. It works only when you have started No Contact.

I have often asked other friends why they miss their good-for-nothing exes so much and it seems everyone is an expert on everyone else's problems. Everyone can see that the other person should not waste time on a useless boyfriend, but many people don't recognise that the mental torture they are putting themselves through is just a similar place to be.

I am happy to give advice to the outside world at times when I am often hurting. But it is also about sharing the little wisdom I have learnt.

It is time to let go of the things that make you sad and just be happy.

I'm so proud of you

Sometimes when I am sitting alone late in the night and wondering how I ended up at this point in life, I feel a desperate urge to reach out to someone and just tell them to make it all better. I want to call my dumdum-ex boyfriend and ask him to hold me and save me.

But then I hold myself back. I stop and sit on my hands if I have to, to stop myself from contacting him. 

Self compassion takes years to learn – you have to unlearn the self destruction first. 

And it is important that you make the choice to distance yourself from this man. It is important that you find your peace of mind far away from where you may be constantly running into him.

But more than anything, keep trying. You have to wake up every day with a purpose and with a dream to make that day better than your last.

I had a problem with the “wow did this just happen?” moment when I was facing relationship abuse. I was falling apart and I was in shock at the same time. I used to just stop and go into a daze because I couldn't believe anyone could treat me that badly. 

But this is not all bad news. It means you’re waking up. It means you have finally decided to see that the treatment you got was unacceptable and have started to take action.

It is never too late.

It is also easy to talk. The dumdum-ex was always full of ideas about how he would prove his love to me etc, but unless you see actions, take it with a whole bucket of salt. 

These men are all weak. It takes a strong man to keep promises and to cherish a woman. A weak man gets by without these qualities.

I’m also sure everyone goes through a phase of wanting to be “friends”. A part of me still hopes that one day me and dumdum could be friends, but it is a deluded, misunderstood and a very very small part of me.

I am proud of myself everyday for making the choice and deciding that enough was enough and I needed to get out. I am proud because I finally realised that it is NOT okay to feel hurt and pain and cry myself to sleep every night of my life.

If you are in this situation, use this chance and wake up. Realise that you need to get out. And if you've made the decision and are taking baby-steps away from the disaster zone your life used to be:

Good luck on waking up, be proud of you.

Being 'busy' in a bid to stop thinking

I've tried this many many times over the past few months of being No Contact with the dumdum-ex boyfriend. Being 'busy' in a bid to stop thinking is when you try to do lots of things and fill up all your spare time to try and tear your thoughts and energies away from the one person who seems to demand permanent residency in your mind.

There are many possible activities that you can try:

• Sports/gym
• Art
• Reading
• Writing
• Starting another hobby
• Going back to a hobby you have neglected
• Socialising

The list is seemingly endless.

But what didn't work for me was doing everything on the list. I was so afraid of having spare time when I'll get bored - and hence start revisiting the ghosts of relationship past, that I signed up for anything and everything.

I would leave at 9am and return at 10 or 11pm so exhausted that I would simply collapse into bed. 

But as 'busy' as I was, I still thought about him almost every moment of every day. I would be in the gym with music blasting through my ears and I would be thinking about when he used to try and persuade me to go to the gym with him and wish that I had gone.

It took time, but eventually, I realised that it wasn't working. I was pushing myself too far and it was taking its toll on my health without being particularly helpful to my recovery. 

Sure, I was meeting more people, but I often didn't have the chance to cultivate those relationships because I had to be somewhere else almost all the time.

Then I tried a different tactic. I focused on the activities that I genuinely enjoyed. I started painting again. It was something I had enjoyed many years ago and I wanted to try it again.

It is easy to become busy enough to forget the pain, but it follows you and haunts you throughout. I realised that even when I had a few minutes free, all the pain would come rushing back and sometimes that sudden "it's-all-coming-back-to-me" moment was so powerful that it would knock me sideways into depression.

What is important is that you find your identity again after a break-up. You must spend time being good to you and helping your self-esteem recover. Spend time doing everything and anything you had to think twice about when you were in a relationship - book a holiday abroad, take our those sexy heels and go on a girls night out!

Find who you are.

Often, as was the case with me, we forget who we are in a bid to keep the other person happy. We subconsciously start to neglect our needs and become happy doing whatever the other person wants to do. Life is about so much more than that!

It is about discovering your inner needs and making sure you achieve your dreams too, rather than helping people build theirs and forgetting about yours.

So, take a breath, and go out and do what you want. Lose the fear of their being something wrong with who you are and start to believe in yourself again. 

Your time is now, honey, believe it.