The essential relationship values (part 3)

In the last two parts of the essential relationship values series, I mentioned the importance of trust and respect. The third essential relationship value is an obvious one: love.

As tempting as it may be, I am not going to try to define love here. There have been hundreds of highly intelligent people who have tried and failed to find a satisfactory definition of what it means to love.

For a relationship to flourish, love has to exist.

Love needs hope and the courage to make the relationship work. I found that in my last relationship, I didn't have the hope or the courage. I had the dreams - I wanted to marry him and maybe have a family with him someday - but I didn't hope that we would work out. There was a part of me which always felt that the future would not be one with us together.

Courage in love is the ability to see the relationship through the hard times and sticking together in the face of adversity. It is not a coincidence that wedding vows often say "Through richer or poorer, in illness and in health" because these are the vital tests of love.

I have seen my mother stand by my father at times when it was really hard. When we first moved to London, times were tough and money was short. My mother walked everywhere - to pick up groceries and drop us off and pick us up from school - despite a bad leg which throbbed with pain following a car accident. We had to save what we had.

My mother was from a very rich family and when I was young we had eight or nine servants to do almost everything and she never had to lift her finger. Then when the going got tough, she put on an apron and cooked, cleaned and did whatever she had to to make it work.

That is love. The willingness to accept that things may not always be good, but that we are in this together.

Love is an action. It means that it has to be proved and acted upon consistently. I think what many people often forget is that relationships need work. They need continuous effort and care to make sure that they continue and succeed.

All too often, I have seen my male friends chase and chase a girl and then once they 'have' her, they get lazy. Then they start showing the real them and let the relationship go to waste. 

As one half of a relationship, love means getting as good as you give. So if you cherish, trust and respect the other person, but don't get the same treatment back - it's not love. It hurts to be the one not being loved, but it will hurt even more in the future if you let your life go by in the hope that "one day" they will have to love you back. The truth: no they won't.

Being in love is different to loving someone.

I have often struggled with the concept of explaining this to my boyfriend or dates, but most of my girl friends grasp this quickly. A relationship doesn't require you to be in love with someone, but it needs you to love them. 

Being in love is the honeymoon period, when every flaw in your significant other is beautiful and you can't bear to be apart for any amount of time. This is what gives you the fireworks and the butterflies. In contrast, loving someone is about being willing to do anything to make them happy without expecting a favour back.

Loving someone is a state of being, while being in love is an emotion.

It is also important to remember that love is not unconditional. I don't think there's anything called unconditional love. Love relies on the condition of trust, respect and value. If any of these are broken, love ceases to exist in the same, pure form it did before.

I have heard friends complain about staying with men who didn't treat the way they deserved to be treated for the sake of 'love' and I was also guilty of the same - though I never quite admitted I was in love with him.

But that's not love. Love is dependent on being treated well. Love gives the same as it gets. That particular 'love' is actually dependency, neediness, desperation or addiction. All of these can be cured, but love doesn't need a cure.

The essential relationship values (part 2)

In the first part, I explained that the most important relationship value (for any relationship, romantic or otherwise) is trust. This is the solid foundation on which the rest of the relationship values, and the relationship itself relies on.

The second essential relationship value is respect.

While respect may mean slightly different thing to different people, here I use respect as valuing the other person, their thoughts, opinions, abilities, body, and life. Basically, respecting them in their entirety.

Respect is an essential value because it allows the two people in the relationship to believe that each person wants the best for the other. 

Respect for thoughts and opinions does not necessarily mean that you must agree with your other half in all arguments. 

You are allowed to disagree, but you need to respect their right to have their own beliefs and principles. 

It means being open minded to others' having views that may clash with yours, but agreeing to disagree in a friendly way.

I found that me and most of the guys I was with enjoyed heated debates about almost everything from politics to the colour co-ordination of an outfit, but it worked well only when we were both able to understand that the point of the debate wasn't to force the other person to see our point of view, but to perhaps show them that there are other points of view possible.

If, like me, you enjoy persuading people to see why your way is probably the best way, then respect meant knowing your limit and not pushing the boundaries in an offensive manner. I have to confess that I have always toed the line when it comes to this.

Respect for a person's ability means to realise that there is no such thing as perfection. 

Being of reasonably average intellect, I would often get annoyed when my boyfriend couldn't understand simple things or lacked basic general knowledge. But whatever your talent is, might not be the other person's. He was an incredible tennis player though, and I sucked at tennis.

In a relationship, it is important to measure every person only against themselves.

This also means (for everyone who does this!) that you don't compare them to your exes! Yes, it is true that the new guy might not have the six-pack you can slice a carrot on, but he is who he is. As tempting as it may be, it is a sign of respect to the guy to give him the opportunity to be his own man rather than trying to stuff him into the mould of your ex.

Sex and physical attraction is an important part of most relationships, but it respect for the other person's body means valuing their choices. 

It means that the guy listens to you in bed. It means that he respects your decision to wait until you are in a relationship before you sleep with him. And it means that under NO circumstances would there be any physical abuse.

A friend recently complained about a guy she had gone on a date with. They ended up in the hotel at night after a 'incredible' date where they had got along superbly well and 'felt like we'd known each other for years!' But then he proceeded to ignore her directions in bed.

She spent the next day very sore and decided that she simply couldn't see him again as more than a friend. 

One of the main areas of respect for your body is the physical treatment you receive. If the guy pushed you around, he doesn't respect you. If he doesn't know that he hurt you because "he isn't aware of his own strength" (yes, I've heard this excuse) then tell him. If it happens even when you've told him, get out.

Without respect, you can't trust the guy to care for you. How can you feel safe with someone who doesn't care? If the person doesn't respect your opinions or another aspect of your life, such as your religion or background, how can you be sure that he is compatible with you?

I am by no means suggesting that you must date within your own race, but the person should be respectful of your heritage. It is a part of you.

When I broke up with my boyfriend I found out that he had been talking to his friends and family about me in an offensive way. He joked about my background and called me names. Then when he wanted to get back together, I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that this guy had made a complete fool of me in front of the people he loved. I no longer had the respect of the people he was with and that meant I didn't feel safe and secure in the relationship.

Respect is also the basis for a secure future.

If you have children, would you want them to see you as a secondary human being in your own home? How can you expect respect from your children if they see you being treated without respect from others, especially their father?

To be treated with respect, you need to demand respect from everyone. It's not about being arrogant and stuck-up, but about knowing your worth and believing that you deserve to be respected in the relationship.

Click here for part 3.

The essential relationship values (part 1)

In this series of posts, I will look into the different values that are important for a relationship to have. In my time with different men I have realised that without these the relationship lacks the basic solidity to flourish. 

Note, that I say essential and not desirable. Desirable values often vary from person to person. While it may be desirable for some ladies that the man is at least 6ft tall, it is not (gasp!) an essential value without which the relationship will not survive.

So, the first most important relationship value is trust.

I started off with this because this is the most important value in any relationship: romantic or otherwise. 

In my first relationship, I didn't even consider trust to be valuable. I believed that trust would grow with the relationship and eventually I'll be willing to trust the guy completely.

But that is not how it works. Trust is the basis that the entire future of the relationship is built on and so it is important that it exists before we decide to take the leap into a relationship. You build trust during the dating or friendship phase with your prospective boyfriend or girlfriend.

• Were they trustworthy when you were friends with them? 
• Did you trust them to make sure you got back safely on the first few dates?

If the trust isn't there in the beginning, it is extremely difficult to build it up later on. If you decide to draw a line as to when you will be willing to trust the person, it is hard to know where that line is. Do you trust them if once you sleep with them? Once they propose? Whatever your limit, if you start off with a preconceived idea of trusting them in the future rather than now, it will be hard to convince yourself when the time will be right.

I found that when I wasn't willing to trust him, he felt it. It was often the case of trying to predict whether or not we were compatible before I would trust him and it was a sure sign of trouble.

Eventually the relationship broke down because neither of us trusted the other. I didn't trust him because he proved himself to be untrustworthy when I realised he had cheated on me. And his own insecurities meant that he never felt 'good enough' for me, which led him to cheat in the first place.

If he knew I trusted him, perhaps he would have been more willing to not betray my trust, but that's a different post all together.

Another important aspect of trust is that it is extremely delicate.

After finding out my boyfriend was cheating, I decided to give him another chance to prove that he loved me. But even when he broke contact (or so he said) with the other girls, I couldn't stop the uneasiness creeping in every single time he was away for the night or at a party.

It is vital that trust is not broken because it can never be the same as it was.

Once we suspect someone, the uneasy feeling remains in our consciousness. We can forgive someone, but it is extremely hard to forget what happened.

For a relationship to succeed trust needs to be valued and consistent. It is (almost) impossible for people to come back from a place of being hurt and deceived and be as open hearted as they were before.

It is also important to base trust on the reality of the relationship. By no means am I suggesting that you blindfold yourself and trust everything the person does, no matter how long you have been friends or you have dated that person for.

Trust should be based on the person's actions, not their words. When you have decided to invest your trust, the actions of the other person should be based on a healthy level of respect for your decision to trust them. In my relationship I often trusted my boyfriend with my secret dreams and fears, yet I often found that he didn't cater to these. My decision to trust him with such information should have led to him being considerate of those particular ideas. If you don't see a resulting effect from your decision to offer your trust, you need to question why.

Trust is an ability which only healthy individuals possess. 

If you're finding it difficult you trust, it may mean that you're not ready for a relationship. I know that I was overly cautious when I first started dating after the break-up. Every time a date referred to another 'pretty girl' I would start questioning his motives. If this is you then STOP. Take the time to regain the ability to trust before you decide to pursue a relationship.

Click here for part 2.